I have, on occasion, been told that I look great for my age; that I am a really good chess player for a girl; and that while my style of writing might not appeal to everyone, that’s okay because sometimes people just want to read something that doesn’t require too much intellectual effort.

Wait … what?

Welcome to the game of backhanded compliments — statements that initially sound flattering but are actually subtle, or sometimes not-so-subtle, insults.

A backhanded compliment is not the same as a direct dig or rude remark. Those “pleasantries,” usually delivered with a scowl, leave no question about the giver’s intent. For example, I once offered to drive a coworker — we’ll call her Martha, and if your name is Martha, no, I am not talking about you — to an after-hours work event. When she opened her door, she grimaced and asked, “Are you wearing that to dinner?”

My response was, “Heavens no! This is just my coming-to-the-door outfit. I have a whole other going-to-dinner outfit in the car.” And no, my evening with Martha did not improve from there.

I think we can all agree that Martha’s question was purposely insulting. But at least her rudeness was right there, out in the open, for everyone to see, and it did give me a fun antidote that I will never ever — Martha! — stop telling.

Backhanded compliments are more insidious. They are often delivered with a smile and disguised as praise but are in fact, at best, well-meaning but thoughtless, such as “Don’t those shoes look comfortable!” or at worse meant to mock or humiliate the recipient while the bestower enjoys a little inside joke with herself.

For example, “This dress is too big for me, so I thought you may like to try it!” Consider it a passive-aggressive sneaky way of verbally expressing disapproval without overtly doing so, while simultaneously insulting my intelligence with a grin suggesting that the whole thing will simply go over my head.

Had Martha been more subtle, she may have smiled and said, “Wow! That outfit is so interesting. I love how you just don’t care what people think of your clothing choices.” Good times, Martha, good times.

People make backhanded compliments for a variety of reasons, the most common of which is insecurity. They feel bad about themselves and their own inadequacies — not everyone can rock a minidress — and attempting to shame or embarrass someone else is their method of coping. Other times, the person might legitimately be trying to tell you something — your skirt may be a tad too short for this work event and you might want to consider wearing something a little more professional — but lacks the courage to do so directly. And occasionally, a backhanded compliment is a way for the giver to ingratiate themselves with someone else at your expense.

If a colleague says, with genuine warmth, “You’re so perky!” they may truly value your cheerfulness and just want you to know that you brighten their day. However, if that same sentence is said to you at a work meeting, perhaps spoken with a higher than normal vocal pitch, after which the colleague immediately looks to someone else with a smirk on his or her face? That is a backhanded compliment.

Of course, not all backhanded compliments are consciously meant to inflict emotional harm. Sometimes the compliment giver is truly intending to make you smile but has done so in a rather clumsy manner. If that is the case, the kindest response is one that will not make either one of you feel more embarrassed or uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, no definitive way exists of knowing how and when to respond to a backhanded compliment — or even if you should respond at all. So before reacting, focus on how the comment made you feel, where it was said, and what you believe were the underlying intentions of the compliment giver. Once that is established, you have several options.

Address the Insult Directly and Immediately

In the case of a colleague trying to undermine you in the presence of others, immediate action is probably warranted. You might look the offender directly in the eye and say something like, “That did not feel like a compliment.” This acknowledges to everyone that you know you were just insulted, puts the spotlight back on the offender, and forces him or her to either explain themselves or back down.

Some backhanded compliments are so egregious that more assertive language is necessary. For example, if a colleague says, however jokingly, “This work is great. Who’d you pay to do it for you?” you might need to respond with, “I worked very hard on that and I don’t appreciate you insinuating otherwise.”

Remember that if your feelings are hurt by something said, it is okay for you to say so.

Use Humor to Disarm the Offender

If the backhanded compliment feels like it was just a bit clueless, responding with a little humor is often a favorable strategy. When told that I “look great for my age,” I tend to answer with, “Thank you! I’m actually 107 years old, but I moisturize.” This acknowledges the unintended reference to my age without making the situation unduly uncomfortable for anyone.

I’m a little less kind with being told I’m a “really good chess player for a girl” because that statement plays into a stereotype that is neither fair nor factual. My go-to response is usually, “Do you think men play differently than women? I don’t know what body part you are using to move around your pieces, but I certainly hope you washed your hands.”

You just need to decide what is right in the moment and what the level of insult feels like in your gut. If being told, “I don’t care what everyone else says, you are really nice,” feels mean spirited — because it probably was intended to be, and seriously, who doesn’t think you’re nice?  — and yet you don’t want to address it head on, leaning in closely and whispering, “Just wait,” can be very effective.

Other possible responses to a clueless backhanded complimenter (CBC) and the backhanded compliment victim (BCV) are as follows:

CBC: I thought that dress you wore last night was such a courageous choice.

BCV: Thanks. I don’t remember what you were wearing. At all.

CBC: Your social media accounts make you look like so much fun.

BCV: I’m sorry, I don’t believe I have ever looked at yours.

CBC: You look a lot better in person.

BCV: And you are clearly very photogenic.

Say “Thank You” to the Good and Ignore the Rest

Sometimes it just isn’t worth the effort. If so, try saying thank you for the nice part of the double-edged compliment and ignoring the rest. For example, if a guest says, “That tasted delicious. I must have been really hungry,” a simple, “I’m so glad you liked the food,” might be all you need to say.

Say Nothing at All

If you feel that a person is purposely trying to get a rise out of you, the best revenge is often to give no reaction at all. Comments such as, “Not everyone can be a good housekeeper,” or “It’s difficult to underestimate you,” or “That’s not the ugliest thing I’ve seen your wear,” are overtly hostile and attention seeking, so simply say nothing and change the subject. It will drive them crazy.

Remember that a backhanded compliment says more about the person who delivers it than it does about the person who receives it. Don’t internalize comments made by people who don’t respect your feelings and may not have your best interest at heart.

Just be nice out there, people. And here’s to hoping that this piece wasn’t too much of an intellectual challenge for anyone who read it. I know it won’t be for Martha … she’s not nearly as dumb as she looks …