Much has been said and written about me and my fellow elves over the years. Some of it is true. Some of it is fanciful fabrication. My fellow elves elected me, Elf Jack, to separate fact from fiction so that you know the true story. This is important because our boss, Santa, hears some wild tales about us being naughty. We assure you this is not true. Indeed, it is our job to arrive somewhere between Thanksgiving and Dec. 1 and simply observe the little children of the Midlands.
We sit quietly on a — erm — shelf, or a tabletop, or wherever we land. We keep careful watch over them all day to see if they are naughty or nice. We never move a muscle. Then, we fly back to the North Pole to report to the Boss. In the night, we return to resume our duties, always perching in a different place.
Here is where truth and fiction begin to diverge. You see, Santa has been told that each time we return, we create mischief in our assigned home. One such report came from Boo and Alex Kubas, who have five children overseen by a very respected elf, Elfie Belle.
“I know the kids enjoy finding her,” said Boo in her message to Santa. Boo went on to tell Santa of mischief Elfie Belle supposedly caused. There was the time that Elfie Belle — allegedly — covered the family’s television with red streamers. When Mak, 10; Katherine Marie, 8; Elizabeth, 7; Ryan, 5; and Jake, 4, woke up the following morning, they could not watch television! Can you imagine such a thing?
The children thought it was hilarious. But to blame this on Elfie Belle is very silly. Elfie Belle, as her name suggests, is a very prissy elf. She even has pierced ears and wears a skirt. Everyone knows one cannot hang red streamers in a skirt. This story cannot be true.
Silly as this story is, Boo and Alex told Santa about even more mischievous things Elfie Belle did. Another morning, the family awoke to evidence of a snowball fight. Elfie Belle was suspiciously surrounded with snowballs. Since there is photographic evidence, Elfie Belle may have to agree that at the very least she was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
The snow had melted before the Kubas kids got up, so unfortunately they could not have a snowball fight of their own. They still thought it was very funny. Elfie Belle was further implicated in other bouts of silliness, like playing tetherball and drawing mustaches on everyone in the family photos. I must admit this last one made me chuckle. When I spoke with Boo about these activities, she said, and I quote, “The kids love finding where Elfie Belle is each morning. While she makes a mess sometimes, it’s worth it to see the joy on the kids’ faces. While we hope our kids always remember the real reason for the season, we also want them to remember the fun silliness that comes with the Christmas season!”
The Kubas Report is just one report, after all. Some of the evidence is circumstantial. Fortunately, Boo and Alex do not seem to mind very much at all. And, as previously reported, the Kubas kids love to see what Elfie Belle has been up to. However, it pains me to say this is not the only report of a naughty elf. There are more.
The next report comes from the home of Anna and William Strauss, parents of Charlie and Mae, ages 3 and 1. Elf Jingle is assigned to the Strauss household. With such young subjects to supervise, this is obviously a cushy assignment for Jingle. Easy jobs go to our most senior elves. When he was assigned to the Strausses, Jingle jumped for joy because he assumed Charlie and Mae could not possibly require much watching. Jingle was very wrong.
“Charlie is all boy,” says Anna. “He loves trucks, trains, tractors — all things that go. He is wild from the moment he wakes up.” Poor Jingle; he has his hands full just keeping up with Charlie, not to mention Mae. While she is still very young, she is getting busier by the day.
Frankly, I am surprised that Jingle has the energy to make the nightly journey to the North Pole and return again, let alone cause any mischief. However, mischief is being reported from the Strauss home. Some tales imply that Jingle once made a bunch of snowflakes out of coffee filters and strung them from the Christmas tree to the mantel. Jingle could have explained this one away had he not been found with the smoking scissors in his hands. Perhaps with all the activity of the day, Jingle needed a creative outlet.
If this had been Jingle’s only infraction, I may have been able to smooth things over with Santa. But then there were the marshmallow snowmen. Yes, Jingle crafted his own snowmen using marshmallows and pretzels, using markers for noses. Here again, Jingle could have pled ignorance had he not been found holding an orange marker.
Charlie thought this was a delicious idea. He made a marshmallow snowman of his own and ate it. Mae loved looking at the snowmen with her brother. “Charlie squeals every morning when he finds Jingle,” says Anna.
It is also reported that Jingle created his own coffee shop in the Strauss’ glass front cabinets. Charlie could see him in there drinking straight from a K-Cup through a straw. Given the activity level of his subjects, one can hardly blame Jingle for needing a little caffeine. Still another time, Jingle was found on a zip line strung all the way across the room. Charlie’s rambunctiousness must be rubbing off on Jingle, that or he needs to cut back on his K-Cups.
“Any time family or friends come over, Charlie runs to show them what Jingle has done,” says Anna. While I find that Jingle is not adhering to the Elf Code of Behavior, he has fans in Charlie and Mae. I think Santa will understand.
My final report is from Bess and Roger Winn. This family is served by two elves, Bernie and Molly Isabella. Double Elves are requested in some homes, sometimes to increase the fun or sometimes — as in this case — so the assigned elf is not lonely. Bernie joined the Winn family five years ago and did an excellent job observing Walker, 7, and Annabelle, 5.
“Annabelle asked Walker to write Santa a letter requesting a second elf so Bernie would have a friend on his daily adventures,” says Bess. “Annabelle chose the name Molly, and Walker chose Isabella, because he thought the elf resembled an Isabella in his class.”
Molly Isabella joined the family last year. Walker and Annabelle found the two riding the Polar Express around the Christmas tree one morning. While I normally would not condone elves riding trains around their family’s home, the arrival of a new elf is a very special occasion.
Bernie and Molly Isabella make a great team and bring a lot of joy to Walker and Annabelle. Dutifully, they gather Walker and Annabelle’s Christmas lists from the special mailbox and take the lists to Santa. However, some misbehavior is noted in my report. First there is the matter of Bernie flying through the air in an airplane.
This is not Elf-approved travel, so I will discuss this behavior with Bernie. Unfortunately, I am told that this is not Bernie’s only travel-related infraction. It is reported that before Molly Isabella came along, Bernie took Barbie for a ride in her Barbie Dream Car. Barbie is quite beautiful and the Dream Car is fun to drive, but Bernie knows better than to move from his post.
Molly Isabella will, I feel certain, keep Bernie from future misbehavior of this type. It seems that Bernie needs Molly Isabella in his life, not only to assure he stays on task but also to protect him from superheroes who may wish to take advantage of his gentle nature. Walker and Annabelle woke one morning to find that Batman had taped poor Bernie to the wall.
While amusing to Walker and Annabelle, this clearly violates the Honor Among Super Heroes and Magical Beings Act. I will draft a letter of protest for Santa to send to Batman’s manager.
Bess and Roger, along with Walker and Annabelle, enjoy having Bernie and Molly Isabella in their lives each Christmas season. “The minute we wrap up Thanksgiving, the anticipation of the elves begins,” says Bess. “The entire family is excited to welcome them each year.”
When the elves appear, they bring with them the kids’ Christmas pajamas. “We have a North Pole breakfast to kick off the holiday season,” she says. Train, plane, and automobile rides aside, the Winn family loves their elves. “We hope the magic and wonderment continue year after year, as Bernie and Molly Isabella fill our home with joy and merriment,” says Bess.
Here, at the end of my report, I fervently wish I could conclude by saying these reports of elf mischief can be explained away. The mischief was certainly not done by the children themselves. All of these families have a strict no-touch policy. The children all know that their elves cannot be touched before Christmas Eve or they will lose their magic.
Only on Christmas Eve can they hug their elves and tell them goodbye before Santa takes them back to the North Pole. I come to the inescapable conclusion that these elves have all been a little naughty. The question now is: what to put in my report to Santa? I think back to the days when I was an elf like these.
I once ran my family’s car into a tree, which far exceeds what these elves have done on the naughty scale. When my best friend, Elfie Joy, was around, we fished for Goldfish in toilets and toilet papered the Christmas tree, yet our families found our antics amusing and they still loved us like these families love their elves.
I must ask myself: What would Santa do? I know Santa very well by now, and I can answer this question without hesitation. Santa would put down his list of all the good girls and boys in the world, shoot a twinkly eye over at Mrs. Claus across the room, then throw back his head and laugh until his big tummy rolls like a bowl full of jelly. “Ho-ho-ho!” he would say. That would be the end of it. I hope you agree.
Elf Jack, Senior Elf